The user for the server needed to be configed to remember where the hell the site files are and what permissions they have. I have done so, and the site is now loading. Please let me know if -- *shoots self in foot to prevent the perky customer service voice from taking over*

I think this is something you can't do from shell (it takes sudo).

Now, if my work would stop fucking over my friends this week, I would be SO grateful. Grrrr.